Returning to college after I graduated has been a bittersweet experience.
When I left college last May, I felt complete. Despite numerous obstacles, I had accomplished everything I possibly could’ve asked for. I landed the career I’ve wanted my entire life. To graduate degree in hand, career in my future, and still mentally okay, is all I could’ve asked for.
But when I left, I left with unresolved feelings. Two weeks into my spring semester, my mom fell deathly ill. Being her only child, I took it upon myself to take care of her personal and professional matters during her recovery. Of course, the biggest challenge was the constant question of whether or not my mom was even going to make it and if she did, how well she would recover. I’m beyond grateful she’s here with me today. But, I did sacrifice a lot during my last semester that I think about now.
I didn’t have the chance to say a proper goodbye to my friends and teachers, to the home I had lived in for three years, my bosses, the guy I liked and to myself. So much had changed and so did I. Being here now, I acknowledge fully that I’m only a fraction of the person I was when I began college four years ago.
No matter how hard I try to see anything else, I can’t help but see the memories I had here. I have had the best memories of my life here and also some of the worst.
Some things I had time to process, some I didn’t. But I was rarely ever prepared for most of the experiences.
I learned how to overcome and how to deal with stressful situations I never saw coming. I gained friends that I am certain will be lifelong. I’ve burned bridges, rebuilt them, and learned that there is more to life than bridges.
My time back
Throughout the week I’ve spent back at my alma mater, I’ve seen all of the people that I needed to say goodbye to. It feels like a breath of fresh air, like closure. I’ve also left some time for myself. I need some time to sit in my favorite Fort Collins spots and reflect. With the rush of college and everything that happened, I rarely had time to reflect on it all.
It’s odd being back on campus and realizing just how much life has changed. When I walk around campus, it feels like everyone is staring at me saying “you’re an outsider.” In reality, no one pays attention.
However, I notice. I love this place. I spent the majority of my childhood waiting to return here (I lived in Colorado when I was 8) and spent the rest of it growing into adulthood here during college.
But I’m not meant to be here anymore. Whether we want to or not, we all outgrow people, places, and situations. It’s a bittersweet thing to accept. It’s like a really good book coming to a close. When you finish that last page, you can’t help but sit there for a few minutes and appreciate what it was and hold on to that feeling a little longer.
Colorado has made me who I was meant to be and pushed me to grow further than I ever felt possible. Now I’m ready for the next adventure, the next challenge and the next potential for growth.
Xo,
Gina
© Gina Johnson Spoden 2019
